40歳くらいで死にたい。 || I Want to Die at Around 40.

40歳くらいで死にたい。
yonjuu-sai kurai de shinitai.
I Want to Die at Around 40.

Vocals: 心華 (Xin Hua)
Lyrics: 青谷 (Aotani)
Composed by: 青谷 (Aotani)
Upload date: 15 December 2018

Requested by: Touka Ripu!
Watch the official video on YouTube!

Content warning: Suicidal themes


歌詞

ずっと何かを気にして生きてきました。
ずっと恥を忍んで生きてきました。
「えっ、違うの?」という言葉に一番苦しめられました。
分かってほしいと願い、それでいて「分かる」と言われれば、
分かるわけがないと思い、もう心は一生分働きました。
察し、察せられ。そんなやり取りに疲れてしまっただけなのです。
ただそれ以上のことは考えられなく、ただもうやめたいのです。

言えば何かが必ず伝わるらしいのです。
勇気を出して言ったことが、
皆さんにとっては心底どうでもいいことだったりするのです。
結局何も変わらなかったりするので、また恥が増えるのでした。

頭を空っぽにして、人のように動き続けることができていました。
きっとこのままいけば、動く死人のように生き続けることはできるのでしょう。
一番良いはずの今が死人なら、更に劣化する未来に期待するものが何もないのです。
愛し、愛され。あったことは知っていても心動かず、
休めばまた思い出せると知りつつも、半端は許されないのです。

それならばもう、やめさせてほしいのです。
何度も引きとめていただくのにも疲れて、終始黙っていました。
何もしないこと以外、生を消費する術が分からなくなり、
やめることを決意したのでした。

簡単に「死にたい」だの「もう無理」だのと言う奴が嫌いでした。
それが今は軽々しく文字に起こせてしまうことに、申し訳なさが募るのでした。

君だけが「いいよ」と言い、たったそれだけで救われる話でした。
終わりの見えない一筋の道より、終わりの見える迷路の方が楽なのです。
せめてそれまでは頑張って生きてみようと思えるのでした。

Romanisation

zutto nanika o ki ni shite ikite kimashita.
zutto haji o shinonde ikite kimashita.
“e, chigau no?” to iu kotoba ni ichiban kurushimeraremashita.
wakatte hoshii to negai, sore de ite “wakaru” to iwarereba,
wakaru wake ga nai to omoi, mou kokoro wa isshoubun hatarakimashita.
sasshi, sasserare, sonna yaritori ni tsukarete shimatta dake na no desu.
tada sore ijou no koto wa kangaerarenaku, tada mou yametai no desu.

ieba nanika ga kanarazu tsutawaru rashii no desu.
yuuki o dashite itta koto ga,
minasan ni totte wa shinsoko dou demo ii koto dattari suru no desu.
kekkyoku nani mo kawaranakattari suru no de, mata haji ga fueru no deshita.

atama o karappo ni shite, hito no you ni ugoki tsudzukeru koto ga dekite imashita.
kitto kono mama ikeba, ugoku shinin no you ni iki tsudzukeru koto wa dekiru no deshou.
ichiban yoi hazu no ima ga shinin nara, sara ni rekka suru mirai ni kitai suru mono ga nani mo nai no desu.
aishi, aisare. atta koto wa shitte itemo kokoro ugokazu,
yasumeba mata omoidaseru to shiri tsutsu mo, hanpa wa yurusarenai no desu.

sore naraba mou, yamesasete hoshii no desu.
nando mo hikitomete itadaku no ni mo tsukarete, shuushi damatte imashita.
nani mo shinai koto igai, sei o shouhi suru sube ga wakaranaku nari,
yameru koto o ketsui shita no deshita.

kantan ni “shinitai” da no “mou muri” da no to iu yatsu ga kirai deshita.
sore ga ima wa karugarushiku moji ni okosete shimau koto ni, moushiwakenasa ga tsunoru no deshita.

kimi dake ga “ii yo” to ii, tatta sore dake de sukuwareru hanashi deshita.
owari no mienai hitosuji no michi yori, owari no mieru meiro no hou ga raku na no desu.
semete sore made wa ganbatte ikite miyou to omoeru no deshita.

Translation

I always lived while worrying about something.
I always swallowed my pride.
“Am I wrong?” Those words tormented me the most.
I wanted you to understand, but when you said “I get it,”
I didn’t believe you and my heart had already done a lifetime’s work.
Assuming, and being pre-judged. I’m tired of this back-and-forth.
I just want to give up and not need to think about anything more than that.

It seems like something gets through to people when you say it.
I summoned my courage and spoke
but everyone treated it as something trivial deep in their hearts.
Nothing changed in the end. I just got more embarrassed.

I blanked my mind and was able to go through the motions of being a person.
I guess I can keep living like an animate corpse if things stay like this.
If I’m a corpse during what’s meant to be the best time of my life, I’ve got nothing to look forward to. It’s all downhill from here.
Loving and being loved. I know it’s happened before, but my heart is still.
I know I can remember when I rest, but being half-hearted isn’t allowed.

Alright then, I want you to let me stop.
I was tired of being held back, so I was silent from beginning to end.
I no longer knew how to use up my life apart from doing nothing
and I decided to give up.

I hated people who were so quick to say “I want to die,” or “I can’t go on.”
My regret from rashly writing those words grew ever stronger.

Only you said “okay,” and that was enough to save me.
A maze with an end in sight is easier than a road that seems endless.
It seemed like I could do my best and live, at least until then.

4 comments

  1. Yes, I am glad that the end is positive. Many similar songs lack this.

    I haven’t disappeared anywhere! I watch you every day. ( ͡° ͜ʖ├┬┴┬┴

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh, song turned out to be very personal for me. My mom suffers from depression and this song reminded me of her words. At the end, I started crying.
    Thank you for the translation. Now I want to translate it into Russian.

    Like

      1. You’re welcome, and it’s good to hear from you again! I agree, these lyrics are powerful, and I think it ends on a positive note. Take care, and good luck if you translate the song into Russian (^_^)

        Liked by 1 person

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