激録！東方警察24時！
gekiroku! touhou keisatsu nijuuyoji
Extreme Records! 24-Hour Touhou Police!

Vocals: Koko (ココ), ytr
Lyrics: ytr
Arranged by: Coro (from TAMAONSEN)
Album: Touhou Police Department (東方警察)
Circle: Innocent Key
Event: C86
Original Theme: Eastern Judgement of the Sixtieth Year ~ Fate of Sixty Years [六十年目の東方裁判 ～ Fate of Sixty Years]

Requested by: That Doujingoro

This is probably the most challenging song I’ve ever translated, which is why I ranked it ’10’ on the difficulty list. Nevertheless, it’s a light-hearted, entertaining song that pokes fun at the doujin world and some recent trends. It’s chock-a-block full of references, and I’m still not sure if I got them all… Also, the title is a play on the Japanese documentary series 激録・警察密着24時!! (which means something like ‘Extreme Records! 24-Hour Police Total Coverage).

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

「東方警察が着任しました。これより作戦の指揮を執ります。」
「奇跡のカーニバル開幕だ」
「オンリーイベントのために施しを」
「原作のためには花束を」
「正義のために剣を持ち」
「裏切り共には死の制裁を」
「しかして我ら同人ゴロの列に加わらん」
「東方警察の名に誓い、すべての不義に鉄槌を」

「touhou keisatsu ga chakunin shimashita. kore yori sakusen no shiki wo torimasu.」
「kiseki no kaanibaru kaimaku da」
「onrii ibento no tame ni hodokoshi wo」
「gensaku no tame ni wa hanataba wo」
「seigi no tame ni ken wo mochi」
「uragiridomo ni wa shi no seisai wo」
「shikashite warera doujin goro no retsu ni kawaran」
「touhou keisatsu no na ni chikai, subete no fugi ni tettsui wo」

“The Touhou Police have taken up their post. From here, I’ll take command of our strategy.”
“We raise the curtain on a carnival of miracles…”
“Charity for the sake of the ‘only event.’” (1)
“A bouquet of flowers for the sake of the original work.”
“We wield our swords for the sake of justice!”
“And for those traitors awaits the death penalty!”
“Thus, we shall not be added to the line of ‘doujin goro!’” (2)
“On the name of the Touhou Police, we will slam the gavel down on all injustice!”

「艦隊これくしょんをやっているものはこの中にはおらぬな？」
「Ma’am! Yes, Ma’am!!」
「モバマスをやっているものもこの中にはおらぬな？」
「Ma’am! Yes, Ma’am!!」
「よかろう！このリストが貴様らのターゲットだ。
さらに詳細なものもあるが、
手始めにこのサークル達を幻想郷から出すな！
奴等は裏切り者だ！懸賞金は旧作全て！生死は問わぬ！」
「Ma’am! Yes, Ma’am!!」

「kantai korekushon wo yatteiru mono wa kono naka ni wa oranu na?」
「Ma’am! Yes, Ma’am!!」
「mobamasu wo yatteiru mono mo kono naka ni wa oranu na?」
「Ma’am! Yes, Ma’am!!」
「yokarou! kono risuto ga kisamara no taagetto da.
sara ni shousai na mono mo aru ga,
tehajime ni kono saakurutachi wo gensoukyou kara dasu na!
yatsura wa uragirimono da! kenshoukin wa kyuusaku subete! seishi wa towanu!」
「Ma’am! Yes, Ma’am!!」

“There aren’t any Kancolle players amongst us, right?”
“Ma’am! Yes ma’am!”
“There aren’t any Idolm@ster players amongst us, right?” (3)
“Ma’am! Yes ma’am!”
“Very well! The ones on this list are your targets.
I have some further information for you,
But to start off with… kick these circles out of Gensokyo!
Those guys are the turncoats! The bounty… all of the old works! Don’t question life or death!”
“Ma’am! Yes ma’am!”

「むっ　貴様、不満そうな顔だな？」
「そ、そんなことはありません」
「殲滅対象を言ってみろ！」
「て、提督と、プロデューサーであります」
「解っているなら良し！貴様等！幻想郷に心臓を捧げよ！！」

「muu kisama, fuman sou na kao da na?」
「so, sonna koto wa arimasen」
「senmetsu taishou wo itte miro!」
「te, teitoku to, purodyuusaa de arimasu」
「wakatteiru nara yoshi! kisamara! gensoukyou ni shinzou wo sasageyo!!」

“Hm? You bastard, you look like you’ve got a complaint!”
“N-no! It’s nothing like that, ma’am.”
“Well, tell me who your extermination targets are!”
“T-the Admiral and the Producer, ma’am.”
“If you know that, then very well! You scoundrels! Devote your hearts to Gensokyo!!”

Ma’am! Yes, Ma’am!!　歪んだ愛情　あの事件から一変する態度
台頭した勢力が流行りまたニヤける　バカ発見器が槍玉に挙げる
対立厨　それかただのアスペ　増える小学生
本格的にリスキー　ミスリードにすら気付けないんじゃギルティ
pixiv ニコ動荒らす狂信者　「大手の――――ならもう死んだ」
最後の審判　「下さい新刊」「え、東方はもう無いんですか？」
お客様体質クレーマー　突き動かす謎の使命感
ネット弁慶　好き勝手やってるお前は何が好きかで語れ

Ma’am! Yes, Ma’am!! yuganda aijou ano jiken kara ippen suru taido
taitou shita seiryoku ga hayari mata niyakeru baka hakkenki ga yaridama ni ageru
tairitsuchuu sore ka tada no asupe fueru shougakusei
honkakuteki ni risukii misuriido ni sura kidzukenain ja giruti
pixiv niko dou arasu kyoushinsha「oote no ―――― nara mou shinda」
saigo no shinban「kudasai shinkan」「e, touhou wa mou nain desu ka?」
okyakusama taishitsu kureemaa tsukiugokasu nazo no shimeikan
netto benkei sukikatte yatteru omae wa nani ga suki ka de katare

Ma’am, yes ma’am! Love has been warped. Since that incident, their attitude has done an about-face.
The influence of becoming famous is popularity and a smile. The ‘baka detector’ holds people up to ridicule.
Trolls. That, or just an ordinary person with Asperger’s. The primary school students increase…
It’s genuinely risky. Even if you don’t know you’re misleading people, you’re guilty!
Those fanatics troll on pixiv and Nico Nico “If your business is thi――――s big, it’s already dead!”
The last judgement: “New works plz.” “Huh? Has Touhou already died?”
The customers are pre-disposed to making claims, aroused by a mysterious sense of duty.
You put up a brave face on the net, but tell me about what you, who do as you please, like!

大罪は何処にある
解決に向かうはず　質疑応答
ギルティ・オワ・ノットギルティ
我等が東方警察
匿名が発してる狂言に共鳴
白黒はっきり付けようぜ
同人ゴロをまとめて粛清する
ゲロ以下の臭い一網打尽
我等が東方警察
退場願おうか　突きつける罪状
さぁ、お前の罪を数えろ

daizai wa doko ni aru
kaiketsu ni mukau hazu shitsugioutou
giruti owa notto giruti
warera ga touhou keisatsu
tokumei ga hasshiteru kyougen ni kyoumei
shirokuro hakkiri tsukeyou ze
doujin goro wo matomete shukusei suru
gero ika no kusai ichimoudajin
warera ga touhou keisatsu
taijou negaou ka tsukitsukeru zaijou
saa, omae no tsumi wo kazoero

Your grave sin must be somewhere!
This interrogation has to lead to a solution…
Guilty or not guilty?
We are the Touhou Police,
Sympathetic to the tricks fired off by anons everywhere.
Let’s clearly distinguish between black and white!
We’ll gather the money-hungry circles and purge them –
A big haul of those who stink worse than spew.
We are the Touhou Police.
Do you hope to leave, as we thrust the nature of your offence against you?
Now, let’s enumerate your sins!

同人業界の流行り廃り　新しいジャンルが見つかり
時代とともに移り変わり　あの子が好きになったみたい
それは素晴らしい　愛がある作品からまた二次創作に
出会えた感謝を忘れずに　繋がるファン　集まれば熱い話
自分が見たい　または聴きたい　これらは妄想の具現化
もしこうなら…と　このキャラはきっと…
ありったけを詰め込んだ
低迷期？それとも下降線？　そんな話はしてねぇ愛で語れ
食い扶持気にする奴はどーせハナから愛が無いだけ

doujin gyoukai no hayari sutari atarashii janru ga mitsukari
jidai to tomo ni utsukawari ano ko ga suki ni natta mitai
sore wa subarashii ai ga aru sakuhin kara mata nijisousaku ni
deaeta kansha wo wasurezu ni tsunagaru fan atsumareba atsui hanashi
jibun ga mitai mata wa kikitai korera wa mousou no gugenka
moshi kou nara… to kono kyara wa kitto…
arittake wo tsumekonda
teimei? sore to mo kakousen? sonna hanashi wa shitenee ai de katare
kuibuchi ki ni suru yatsu wa douse hana kara ai ga nai dake

It’s gone out of fashion in the doujin world – we found a new genre.
It changes with the eras. It looks like I like that ‘child’ now…
It’s a wonderful thing when derivative works are born from works filled with love.
If you gather up all the fans, who have joined together without forgetting the gratitude of their meeting, it’s a passionate tale!
I want to see it for myself, or I want to hear it for myself. These are the embodiments of delusions…
If things were like this… then that character would surely…
They’ve crammed all they have into it!
A recession? Or else, a downward curve? Don’t talk like that – speak instead of love.
The ones who worry about the cost of food are the ones who lacked love from the start!

流行に敏感　商売上手　ドブに捨ててきたマナーとモラル
うどんげ　島風　端から全部　ググって手当たり次第にレイプ
東方知らないアレンジボーカル　艦これやらない　ブームで儲かる
現す頭角　破れ落ちたデスノート　東方警察　ジャッジメントですの！

hayari ni binkan shoubaijouzu dobu ni sutete kita manaa mo moraru
udonge shimakaze hana kara zenbu gugutte teatari shidai ni reipu
touhou shiranai arenji bookaru kankore yaranai buumu de moukaru
arawasu toukaku yabure ochita desunooto touhou keisatsu jajjimento desu no!

Those who are sensitive to the fads… The businesslike ones… And the manners and morals that have been thrown down the drain…
Udonge. Shimakaze. From the start, when you Google them all you see is indiscriminate rape.
Arrangements and vocals from those who don’t know Touhou, profiting off the boom of not doing Kancolle.
They stand out at the top – it’s a torn, fallen Death Note. Now, it’s time for the judgement of the Touhou Police, don’t you know?!

見えない敵と戦う
皆が等しく皆が認める
天知る 地知る 我知る 人知る
開廷　東方裁判
選り取り見取り　キミは誰に目がいく？
白黒が入り乱れ交わる
何もかもお見通しの閻魔様
パロディ　グレー　二次創作
開廷　東方裁判
熱気が包む　人でごった返している開場に溢れかえる愛情

mienai teki to tatakau
minna ga hitoshiku minna ga mitomeru
ten shiru chi shiru ware shiru hito shiru
kaitei touhou saiban
yoridori midori kimi wa dare ni me ga iku?
shirokuro ga irimidare majiwaru
nani mo kamo omitooshi no enma sama
parodi guree nijisousaku
kaitei touhou saiban
nekki ga tsutsumu hito de gotta kaeshiteiru kaijou ni afurekaeru aijou

We fight against enemies we can’t see.
Everyone is equal, and everyone is judged.
Know the sky, know the earth, know yourself, know others.
Court is now in session for Touhou judgement
You choose who you see – I wonder who the one you’re looking at might be?
Black and white are jumbled together, and they intersect.
The Yama can see through anything and everything.
Parodies, the Grey Zone, derivative works… (4)
Court is now in session for Touhou judgement
Love is awash as the doors open, jamming in people wrapped up in enthusiasm.

「戦況はどうだ！」
「ハッ！捜索を続けるもターゲットは不明！
神主の介入、新たな勢力、
高度な情報戦により混乱が起こっております！！」
「くそ！！何故だ！！私が…私が間違っていたというのか！！」
「ら、ラブライバー！と、止まりません！」
「くそぉ！！」

「senkyou wa dou da!」
「ha! sousaku wo tsudzukeru mo taagetto wa fumei
kannushi no kainyuu, arata na seiryoku,
koudo na jouhousen ni yori konran ga okotte orimasu!!」
「kuso!! naze da!! watashi ga… watashi ga machigatte ita to iu no ka!!」
「ra, raburaibaa! to, tomarimasen!」
「kusoo!!」

“What’s the state of the battle?”
“Yes! The search continues, but our target is unknown.
The Kannushi has intervened, with a new influence,
And according to our sophisticated intelligence, chaos is happening!”
“Curses!! Why?! Do you mean to say that I’m… that I’m wrong?!”
“L-Love Liver! They… they won’t stop!”
“Damn it!!”

大罪は何処にある
解決に向かうはず　質疑応答
ギルティ・オワ・ノットギルティ
我等が東方警察
匿名が発してる狂言に共鳴
白黒はっきり付けようぜ
同人ゴロをまとめて粛清する
ゲロ以下の臭い一網打尽
我等が東方警察
退場願おうか　突きつける罪状
さぁ、お前の罪を数えろ

daizai wa doko ni aru
kaiketsu ni mukau hazu shitsugioutou
giruti owa notto giruti
warera ga touhou keisatsu
tokumei ga hasshiteru kyougen ni kyoumei
shirokuro hakkiri tsukeyou ze
doujin goro wo matomete shukusei suru
gero ika no kusai ichimoudajin
warera ga touhou keisatsu
taijou negaou ka tsukitsukeru zaijou
saa, omae no tsumi wo kazoero

Your grave sin must be somewhere!
This interrogation has to lead to a solution…
Guilty or not guilty?
We are the Touhou Police,
Sympathetic to the tricks fired off by anons everywhere.
Let’s clearly distinguish between black and white!
We’ll gather the money-hungry circles and purge them –
A big haul of those who stink worse than spew.
We are the Touhou Police.
Do you hope to leave, as we thrust the nature of your offence against you?
Now, let’s enumerate your sins!

「私は答えを出すのに酷く遠回りをしていたようだ。
それは果てしなく長かったかもしれない。
4分ほどだったのかもしれない。」
「最後に一つ！聞きたいことがある！」
「ハッ！」
「貴様ら！東方は好きか！」
「Ma’am! Yes, Ma’am!!」

「watashi wa kotae wo dasu no ni hidoku toomawari wo shiteita you da.
sore wa hateshinaku nagakatta kamo shirenai.
yonpun hodo datta no kamo shirenai.」
「saigo ni hitotsu! kikitai koto ga aru!」
「ha!」
「kisamara! touhou wa suki ka!」
「Ma’am! Yes Ma’am!!」

“Though I worked out a solution, it looks like I took a bit of a detour in doing so.
It may have taken so long it lasted an eternity.
It probably took about 4 minutes.”
“Now, to finish off with! I have 1 more question!”
“Yes!”
“You scoundrels! Do you like Touhou?!”
“Ma’am, yes ma’am!”

_ _ _ _ _

(1) An ‘only event’ (オンリーイベント) is a doujin event focused on a particular source work/character.
(2)  同人ゴロ (‘doujin goro’) refers to circles who are only in the business to make money. They jump onto the latest fads, and are seen as having a superficial attachment to the series they make derivative works of.
(3) The original term is モバマス (‘Mobamas’), which is how the Japanese people refer to Idolm@ster Cinderella Girls.
(4) The ‘Grey Zone’ is a doujin world term. It refers to ‘works that are close to black’ (presumably those that deal with material that has been copyrighted by someone)