PRESERVED VAMPIRE

PRESERVED VAMPIRE

Vocals: Nana Takahashi
Lyrics: Blue E
Arranged by: MasKaleido
Album: 十六夜 -IZAYOI- 【Official Site】
Circle: SOUND HOLIC
Event: C91
Original Themes: –Flowering Night [フラワリングナイト]
-Lunar Clock ~ Luna Dial
[月時計 ~ ルナ・ダイアル]

Requested by: Kappashiro

The title is ‘PRESERVED VAMPIRE’ but this song seems to be about Sakuya, charting how she began to serve Remilia and her duties. There are a few cases in which the written words have been replaced with similar words when sung, but this translation prioritises the written lyrics.


満ち欠ける影に 崩れた日常が
傾いた空に 揺らめく星たちが
戒めの夜に 狂った現実が
白銀の短剣で 瞬間を貫いた

michi kakeru kage ni kuzureta nichijou ga
katamuita sora ni yurameku hoshi-tachi ga
imashime no yoru ni kurutta genjitsu ga
shirogane no naifu de ima wo tsuranuita

Days that crumbled away in the waxing and waning of the shadows,
The stars flickering in the darkened sky,
And reality, gone mad during a night of punishment—
The silver knife pierced through them in an instant.

血塗れの悪魔に 犠牲を捧げる
涙に濡れた凶夢
此の身も 心も 全てを須らく差し出せ

chimamire no akuma ni ai wo sasageru
namida ni nureta yume
kono mi mo kokoro mo subete wo subekaraku sashidase

I offer up love, a sacrifice to the bloodstained demon.
This bad dream was soaked with tears.
I must offer my body and my spirit—everything.

絡み付く憎しみ 記憶を乱され
加速する世界に 取り残された様で
欲張りに罰を 憐れみの旋律を
仮初めの正しさ 瞳を曇らせ
堕落した命は 宵闇に縛られる
狂気に囚われ 仄暗い地下室の中
彷徨うさ Blacked out, Forever

karamitsuku nikushimi kioku wo midasare
kasoku suru sekai ni torinokosareta you de
yokubari ni bachi wo awaremi no senritsu wo
karisome no tadashisa hitomi wo kumorase
daraku shita inochi wa yoiyami ni shiborareru
kyouki ni toraware honogurai chikashitsu no naka
samayou sa Blacked out, Forever

The hatred twined around me disturbs my memories.
It’s like I’ve been left behind in an accelerating world.
I punish the greedy, playing a melody of pity.
Transient righteousness clouds my eyes
And my depraved life is tied to twilight.
Imprisoned by insanity in a gloomy cellar
I wander around. Blacked out, forever.

深紅の影に 蠢く妖が
暁の空に 散り逝く花びらが
慰めの夜に 歪んだ幻想が
十六夜の刃で 未来を切り裂いた

kurenai no kage ni ugomeku ayakashi ga
akatsuki no sora ni chiri yuku hanabira ga
nagusame no yoru ni yuganda gensou ga
izayoi no yaiba de asu wo kirisaita

The youkai writhing in the scarlet shadows,
The petals scattering in the dawning sky,
And the twisted illusion in the night of diversion—
Their future was cut by the blade of Izayoi. (1)

冷酷な微笑み 誘う接吻
服従の儀式に
命も 能力も 全てを須らく投げ出せ

reikoku na hohoemi sasou kuchidzuke
fukujuu no gishiki ni
inochi mo chikara mo subete wo subekaraku nagedase

She smiled cruelly, and a kiss lured me in.
Through this ceremony of obedience,
I must give my life and my abilities—everything.

空回る激情 虚しさ募らせ
静止した世界を 独り流離う様で
嘘吐きに罰を 辱めの呪詩を
隙の無い正しさ 答えを迫られ
燃え尽きた希望は 終末に憧れる
刹那に絆され 朝焼けに染まる景色に
飛び込むさ

kara mawaru gekijou uroshisa tsunorase
teishi shita sekai wo hitori sasurau you de
usotsuki ni bachi wo hazukashime no kotoba wo
suki no nai tadashisa kotae wo semarare
moetsukita nozomi wa shuumatsu ni akogareru
setsuna ni hodosare asayake ni somaru keshiki ni
tobikomu sa

My passion was in vain. My emptiness grows stronger…
It’s like I’m roaming in a still world.
I punish liars, chanting curses of shame.
My faultless righteousness is pressed for answers
And my burnt-up hope longs for the end.
Moved for an instant, I will dive right into this landscape
Dyed by the sunrise.

刻まれた傷痕 哀しみの過去
手に入れた絆に
迷いも 業も 全てを須らく差し出せ

kizamareta kizuato kanashimi no kako
te ni ireta kizuna ni
mayoi mo karuma mo subete wo subekaraku sashidase

I bear scars from my sorrowful past.
To the bond I formed,
I must present my doubt and my karma—everything.

絡み付く憎しみ 記憶を乱され
加速する世界に 取り残された様で
欲張りに罰を 憐れみの旋律を
仮初めの正しさ 瞳を曇らせ
堕落した命は 宵闇に縛られる
狂気を脱ぎ捨て 朝焼けに染まる景色に
飛び込むさ Break out, Forever

karamitsuku nikushimi kioku wo midasare
kasoku suru sekai ni torinokosareta you de
yokubari ni bachi wo awaremi no senritsu wo
karisome no tadashisa hitomi wo kumorase
daraku shita inochi wa yoiyami ni shiborareru
kyouki wo nugi sute asayake ni somaru keshiki ni
tobikomu sa Break out, Forever

The hatred twined around me disturbs my memories.
It’s like I’ve been left behind in an accelerating world.
I punish the greedy, playing a melody of pity.
Transient righteousness clouds my eyes
And my depraved life is tied to twilight.
I will cast away my insanity and dive right into this landscape
Dyed by the sunrise. Break out, forever.


(1) Izayoi (十六夜 – ‘the sixteenth night’) has been left untranslated as it is likely that this is in fact referring to Sakuya Izayoi herself.

3 thoughts on “PRESERVED VAMPIRE

  1. Firingsniper January 4, 2019 / 12:07 am

    こんにちは。この翻訳を使っている動画で、指摘のコメントを残したのですが、このサイトから引用されているということでここにコピペ(+ちょい足し)しておきます。図々しいようですいません。

    English Translation has some faults.
    0:29 揺らめく isn’t really “flickering”. It’s more, “wavering”. Both have a nuance of instability, but flickering is more instant and rapid (flickering lights), whereas “wavering” is more slow and wave-like. (flickeringだとチカチカする~)
    0:29 Same line, 傾いた空 does mean “darkened sky”, but it’s not how it’s said. The “sunken skies”, or something that depicts deviation from its original angle (tilt/lean/whatever) would be more appropriate.(暗き空と沈んだ空、沈んだ空のほうが傾いた空に近い気がします)
    0:32 戒め isn’t just a punishment, it’s also a lesson to prevent future incidents – so something like “monition” would fit all the context here.(monitionは宗教的忠告な意味も入っているので、戒めに合うかなと)
    0:35 白銀 isn’t silver. It’s platinum, or “whitened silver”
    0:35 瞬間を貫いた isn’t to “pierce in an instant”, it’s to “pierce the moment” itself. You misread the context here. (“in an instant” と書いてしまうと、”(この)瞬間に貫く”になってしまう)
    0:41 There is no “love” mentioned in the original. There’s merely a sacrificial offering. To add, maybe “devil” would be better than “demon”?
    0:44 Since there’s no この(This) preceding the 凶夢(nightmare), replace “This” at the start with “A” (A nightmare soaked with tears)
    0:59 There is no pronoun “I” implied here, it’s more of a general statement. 欲張りに罰を just means “Punishment to the greed!” 欲張り is greed, and 欲張り者 is the greedy, not the same.
    0:59 Same line, no one’s playing the melody here, it’s a general statement. It just means “A melody of pity!”
    1:03 Awkwardly phrased, Add “A” or “The” at the start, and add a comma after the “righteousness” – since there’s a space in the original. If you want to be poetic, it can be said that it’s “Righteousness, in brevity” or something. Just my personal preference.
    1:06 Instead of “tied”, use “bound”. It sounds nicer. (tiedは物理的の意味合いが強いのですが boundだと、呪縛的な、見えないなにかに拘束されるも入っているので)
    1:10 There’s an implied pause/transition after 囚われ, so add a comma
    1:14 “I’ll wander around” is lacking as an exclamation, compared to the singer’s ardent one. Just a simple “I’ll wander!” would be the same degree of exclamation.
    1:28 Careful with the colors. 朱is scarlet, and 紅is crimson. What’s used here isn’t scarlet. Also, “writhing” is a movement, so you have to say where the youkai is writhing to. Where is it writhing to? It’s “writhing about”. Full phrase would be “The youkai writhing about in the crimson shadows”.
    1:30 散り逝く isn’t really common and is difficult, but it’s certainly not just “scattering”, it’s “scattering and dying”, so I think “withering” would be concise and fitting.
    1:33 慰めis not diversion. Diversion is something you distract yourself with to forget the sorrows, 慰めis “consolation”.(diversionだと目を逸らすみたいな意味)
    1:35 “With the blade of Izayoi, the futures ahead were cut apart”. Maybe keep the order of the original phrase when you can (don’t always inverse it). Also – 切り裂いたisn’t just cut, it’s cut apart.
    1:39 There are NO implied pronouns. It’s just “A cruel/cold-blooded smile, an alluring kiss”.
    1:45 服従is much more stronger than just “obedience”, it’s “submission”.(忠誠・服従)
    1:53 It’s karamawaru, not soramawaru. You also don’t need the “was”. Just put “My passion, in vain/for naught”
    1:56 静止isn’t just “still”, there’s also quietness involved. I would use the expression “in a bestilled world”. Also, write “roaming about”, and add a comma in-between the middle
    2:00 Same mistake as 0:59. “Punishment to the lies!” / “Curses of shame/defamation!”
    2:04 Replace “is” with a comma
    2:12 Don’t inverse the chain of words, it’s the climax! Bit poetic, but I would use “Into this landscape painted with (the glows of) sunrise/I’ll dive!”(最後に動詞を書いたほうがかっこいい)
    2:39 Here too, don’t inverse. “Engraved scars, from a/a sorrowful past”

    The meaning is generally conveyed but then the you make the common mistake of translating to English, using daily English used in conversations and not appropriate for certain song lyrics. I would suggest to whoever translated this to double-check with dictionaries, and more importantly, play the song with your translation to see if your phrases harbors the same kind of emotion you feel when the singer is singing.
    もちろん、個人的な嗜好も入っていますし、”美しい表現”の意味は多彩なので、反論待ってます。
    (ちなみに元の動画はこちらです https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Gz5pNLQAGg&)
    全部読んでくれれば幸いです!

    Liked by 1 person

    • releska January 6, 2019 / 7:19 pm

      Hello! Thank you for your comment, and for your suggestions. I appreciate it, and love hearing from people! (^_^) I am pleased to inform you that I complete all of my translations referring to both a J –> E and a J -> J dictionary. Listening to the song also forms a key part of my translation ritual, both while I translate and while I check the romanisation. I make honest mistakes, but am able to justify every line I translate, even when my interpretation turns out to be mistaken.

      My personal translation style is to stick closely to the cues given in the original text, and then make alterations to better suit the target audience. This approach has evolved over time, which is particularly relevant here given that the translation was from almost two years ago. However, I’m able to justify all of my translation choices, and I am not convinced that significant changes need to be made here. When I change the order of sentences, and when I add pronouns in, I do it for my audience. Yes, I may lose out on some poetic beauty, but for me poetic beauty is always secondary since these translations can’t be sung alongside the original anyway.

      Firstly, thank you for letting me know about my romanisation error. 空回る now has the correct romanisation.

      I will address some of the points you raised here, and justify why I chose to translate the text in the way I did.

      揺らめく – In this case, my J -> E dictionary informed me that both flickering and swaying are contained in 揺らめく. My decision to use ‘flickering’ was based on my own experience with the English language. It’s unnatural to say that stars ‘waver’ in the night sky.

      傾いた空 – I can’t imagine 沈んだ空 in my head. Does this mean the sky is close to the ground? Does it mean there’s a mist of some sort?

      戒め – This is personal preference, but I think ‘punishment’ fits perfectly fine here. When you punish a person, you do it because they’ve done something wrong, and you don’t want them to do it again. Furthermore, ‘monition’ (see https://www.thefreedictionary.com/monition) is more about warning someone of something that will come.

      白銀 – This would be platinum if it was pronounced はっきん. My J -> E dictionary does not list ‘platinum’ as a translation, and my J -> J dictionary says thatしろがね specifically refers to ‘silver’ (銀). For an online reference, see https://kotobank.jp/word/白銀-600152.

      瞬間を貫いた – I interpreted をas showing ‘when’ something takes place, e.g. 動作・作用の行われる時間・期間を表す。(see https://kotobank.jp/word/を-666108#E5.A4.A7.E8.BE.9E.E6.9E.97.20.E7.AC.AC.E4.B8.89.E7.89.88). I did consider ‘pierce the moment’, but I decided against it because I can’t picture that in my mind, and I’ve never read that phrase anywhere. What does it mean?

      ‘Love’ – ‘Love’ (あい) is sung in place of 犠牲(ぎせい). In this case, I decided to combine the two in the one sentence to preserve both meanings.

      朱 and 紅 – I chose scarlet to stick closer to terminology used in the official games. ZUN’s english title for 東方紅魔郷(the Embodiment of Scarlet Devil) implies that other instances of 紅 should also be interpreted as Scarlet where Remilia is concerned.

      ‘Writhing about’ – I don’t need to add ‘about’ to writhing (for example, see the famous pop song “rolling in the deep”).

      散り逝く – If we go with wither, we then lose the connotation that the flowers have scattered. Using ‘scatter’ gives us the idea that the flowers have already withered. After all, healthy petals don’t scatter.

      慰め – When you console someone, you distract them and make them forget their sorrows.

      服従 – Though ‘obedience’ and ‘submission’ are different, my J -> J dictionary offers the following definition: 他人の命令や意志にそのまま従うこと。

      静止 – When something is still, it’s quiet.

      Given that there are so many differences in our interpretations, I think it would be great if you could publish your own translation of this song – I think reading your translation would give me greater insight into the points you raised in your comment, and it would bring us closer to unlocking the full meaning of the song. I look forward to reading it 🙂 I would also appreciate any recommendations for good J – J dictionaries. A better dictionary will help me become a better translator…!

      Thank you once again! I hope you have a great day (^_^)

      Like

      • firingsniper1595 January 7, 2019 / 2:08 pm

        Thank you for replying, I love discussions like these.

        First off, I see that our principles when it comes to translating differ slightly – in my view, you rely on dictionaries as a common basis for the audience and everyone involved to agree on a common meaning. If this is correct, then I would have to agree with you that it is the prerequisite for language in the first place. I also double-check with dictionaries (most of the time. I can get lazy sometimes) but I’m afraid there’s a nuance that isn’t mentioned entirely in the definitions, and can be better read from reading sample examples, but even that isn’t enough sometimes.

        The “feeling” you get when I read a sentence, is how I establish my common ground between two languages. This is supported by dictionaries, but it isn’t my Bible. It is bound to make me biased, yes, but I believe rhythm and beauty should be at least attempted (in which the latter is purely subjective) – so it’s pleasant to read. If you were just going for accuracy, then you could just do a detailed explanation, analysis or whatever.

        I’ll tell you what I mean.

        Since I don’t play Touhou (yeah there are people who love their songs but not the games :P) I am sorry for pointing out technicalities that were supposed to be like that – I also skimmed through the listening a bit as well.

        傾いた空に 揺らめく星たちが
        “Within the tilted skies, the wavering stars -”

        This works, because the word “skies” is synonymous to the “azures”. A sunken or tilted sky merely means that the bright blue has fallen beyond the horizon. Also, if you use “darkened” – it would be disloyal to the original text, even if you implicitly know the meaning.

        The stars do flicker, yes, but that sudden movement isn’t really felt in 揺らめく. You can have a million alternatives like かがやく or きらめく or something crazy like 光り咲く(no such word exists). Also, the word 揺らめく sounds like ゆらゆらと, ゆらり、ゆらり – and they are very gentle sounds. I just googled it and it apparently means the same thing. Oh well. https://www.weblio.jp/content/%E6%8F%BA%E3%82%89%E3%82%81%E3%81%8F

        As for 戒め、technically speaking – it’s to reprimand someone to prevent him/her for repeating an offense. That “prevention” nuance is lost in the word “punishment”. Synonyms in Japanese are “(自分をー)引き締める” or ”(他人にー)見せしめる”. I chose “monition” because of the religious feeling I felt in the song, and it was used as a word in a religious context accordingly. But yes, I do agree there can be a better alternative.

        But here’s where you’re plain wrong, unfortunately. 瞬間を貫いた under NO circumstances does it mean “pierce in the moment”. That equivalent would be “瞬間に貫いた” but it’s awkwardly phrased. ーを貫いた。何を貫いているのか?瞬間を貫いている。Piercing. What is it piercing? It’s piercing the moment. -> Pierce the moment.

        If it’s a question of “when”: いつ貫いているのか?ある時に貫くー>瞬間に貫く。When is it piercing? It’s piercing in/at a specific time. It’s piercing in the moment.

        散り逝く. Judging by your explanation, the author merely needs to mention that it has scattered right? Same could be said for Japanese – why doesn’t the author just say “散る”?Because he/she specifically wanted to allude to death. But you’re right, since there is an indicated movement in the present tense (逝く) so it’d suffice to modify to: “twirl and wither”.

        The above example is the prime example where you can see your biases come from, even if you decided to stay technical and loyal to the definition. You never question the choice of words, and don’t try to confuse it with another word, even if it’s similar. A common example that you may find ridiculous, is people confusing 分かった and 知った. They’re both “know”, right? Not really.

        For 慰め – I don’t get your justification here. You just pointed out the definition of console. “Divert” or “distract” doesn’t convey the grave empathy of 慰める, it’s light-hearted and is more akin to 気を晴らす or 気を紛らす.

        服従 is technically “obedience”, but then again “obedience” does NOT contain the full extent of the meaning. In a song where the lyrics are something like 身も心もー would you really, really think that she’s saying something like “I’ll obey you”? I would think it’s more “I’ll submit to you”. I mean, even titles are translated this way: http://prntscr.com/m3waab

        静止 Same problem as 散り逝く. You can’t “assume” things, this isn’t a logic game. “If it’s still, it’s quiet”… that logic only applies when the “something” is the sound – but that’s not the main problem here.

        In a still world -> 止まった・動じない世界で
        In a bestilled world -> 静止した・静まり返った世界で

        You have to keep the past participle. Anything works, like “quietened”.

        Lastly,
        There isn’t a “better dictionary”. When you reference something, you have to check with a lot of sources, and if you really want a definition to that it would be “Every source, until you feel like you understand”. Hell, even seemingly unreliable places like Yahoo answers can clarify you how it’s generally used (ofc don’t use just that).

        It’s a draft, but here:

        The morphing shadows, crumbled days within,
        Among the tilted skies, are the wavering stars,
        In a night of punishment, is a maddened reality – All,
        With daggers of silver, pierced the moment

        To a bloodied devil, I offer a sacrifice of love
        O this nightmare befallen with tears,
        This body, this spirit, all, is to be offered!

        A twined hatred, swirls my memories
        As if I, in an accelerating world, was left alone.
        Punishment to greed – A melody of pity.
        Clouds my eyes, this righteousness in brevity,
        This depraved life, is bound to the gloom of dusk.
        Confined by insanity, within a dimly cell beneath,
        I’ll wander! Blacked out, Forever

        The sanguine shadows, writhing youkai within,
        Among the dawning skies, are the withering petals,
        In a night of solace, is a distorted illusion – All,
        With the blade of Izayoi, slashed the future

        Oh, her coldhearted smile, her alluring kiss
        In this ritual of submission
        This life, these powers, all, is to be given!

        All this passion for naught, breeds my emptiness
        As if I, in a bestilled world, roamed in solitude.
        Punishment to lies – A chant of shame!
        This right, with no wrong, presses for answers
        The burned out hopes, longs for a finality
        Seized by the moment, into this sight dyed by sunrise
        I’ll dive! Break out, Forever

        The engraved scars, the past of sorrow
        To this bond I’ve acquired,
        The doubts, the karma, all, is to be given!

        A twined hatred, swirls my memories
        As if I, in an accelerating world, was left alone.
        Punishment to greed – A melody of pity.
        This right, with no wrong, clouds my eyes,
        This depraved life, is bound to the gloom of dusk.
        I’ll cast away my madness, and into this sight dyed by sunrise
        I’ll dive! Break out, Forever

        Like

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